“He was a narcissist!” “She gaslighted me!”

These are the new millennial curse words. They’ve become synonymous with “pissed off ex-spouse”.

What does the term “narcissism” really mean? Narcissism comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus. He was a young man who fell in love with his own reflection, became consumed with self admiration, to the demise of everything else.

We often misconstrue narcissism with self-love, or being very self-absorbed. The truth is, narcissists truly suffer. They have terrible self esteem and utilize narcissism as a primitive defense mechanism to cope with severe feelings of inadequacy.

They are fragile and the classic ‘unique snowflakes’.

They carry much anxiety or anger, and are oblivious to their emotions. Leaving them no access to heal from their suffering. Their behavior makes people run for the hills, leaving them without friends, meaningful relationships, and in perpetual loneliness.

Sigmund Freud brought the term into common language with his 1914 Essay ‘On Narcissism’. It was first recognized in Psychiatry as a Personalty Disorder in the diagnostic and statistical manual of 1980.

A personality disorder can be described as “an enduring pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving outside the norms of one’s culture.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is someone who copes by having an excessive need for attention and admiration. They act in a grandiose manner, and they lack empathy for other people.

The symptoms which make up the diagnosis of NPD include: Grandiosity; Believing they are special without having achieved anything of special significance. They act with a a sense of entitlement. And because of their unique specialness, they are somehow ‘owed’. As they lack empathy, they can only see and relate to others as objects.

For people with NPD, they are only interested in spending time with people they deem as also being ‘special’. Due to their apathy, they can only relate to others in an exploitative manner. The relationship must benefit them in some way.

During development, young children need a safe, unconditional environment of constant attention and protection. This is how primate tribes, including Homo Sapiens, have lived throughout evolution. Children learn to develop a secure sense of self by consistently having competent adults who are able to listen to them.

Any parent knows how much young children babble. Due to the tribeless nature of current American society, children are now limited to whatever caregivers they were dealt. Every parent does the best they can, but if an environment of constant listening or attention, and unconditional love is unavailable, the child develops an emptiness or painful lack of ‘self’.

They have to find a way to cope with these feelings of emptiness and assumptions that they are inadequate. They are left to cope by the best means available in their particular environment. For example, if a young child’s parents are workaholics, they are going to defend against their sense of emptiness by always striving toward’s achievement. That may be in sports or academics or business, based on what was modeled for them in the environment they were raised.

If their caretakers are childish, incompetent, or dependent, the best way to cope is likely for that person to learn to persevere as a helpful caretaker.

If someone is raised in an environment of neglect, where the parents value fame, status, and wealth above all else, then it makes sense that the child would cope with his unmet needs with pursuit of these narcissistic values.

Narcissists fill their hole by imagining “I’m not ignored; Everybody is looking at me.” “I am not insignificant, I am highly special.”
Because having a personality disorder is, by definition, coping in unhealthy ways to feelings, what they suffer most is emotional.

Primarily anxiety and anger. Remember, Anger/Anxiety are really flip sides of the same emotion.

It’s important to recognize the difference between a ‘Benign’ narcissist and a ‘Malignant’ narcissist. A benign narcissist copes with narcissistic traits and suffers anxiety, or worry. They are not aggressive and don’t cope by exploiting or harming others. They are sensitive and prone to narcissistic injury.

Perhaps a good example is George Castanza on the Seinfeld show; or Michael Scott on The Office. They are not destructive, but ridiculous or silly.

However, a malignant narcissist copes with his Anxiety/Anger by being aggressive prone, with fits of ‘narcissistic rage’. They are mean, exploitative of others, manipulative, and highly toxic.

Joseph Stalin and Adolph Hitler were malignant narcissists. They both had a sense of grandiose self worth, and need for control and lack of empathy, that allowed them to manipulate and harm others.

The American Psychiatric Association established what is known as The Goldwater Rule in 1973, describing how it is unprofessional and unethical to diagnose a person whom we have not personally interviewed.

This is wise because it recommends against making judgements on a person without really listening to them. It also speaks against using the media portrayals, to make judgements about a person’s character.

However, more currently there exists a malignant narcissist that has the power to do further damage to our political society and country…Mr. Donald Trump.

That said, hopefully, you now understand the definition of narcissism to see how the symptoms might apply, and how they may more immediately affect your future.